If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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