I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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