I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
