batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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