I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
