So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
