I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
