Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
