Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
