I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
