I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
