Cold hands, warm shart.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
