Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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