I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
