Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
