I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
