i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
