I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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