But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
