between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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