Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
