She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Randomize
