I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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