You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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