I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
