Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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