sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
