I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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