next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
