she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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