what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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