You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
