There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
