I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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