my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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