1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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