Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Are we in a gay sports bar?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
