I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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