11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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