So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
