i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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