dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
