She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
did you just send me my own nude
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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