Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
why do cheetos always look like penises
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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