he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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