I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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