Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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