I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
