Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Hippo gnu deer
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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