I need to stop coming to work sober
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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