You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Randomize
