Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
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