That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
